How Are You?

When I ask people this, no matter if it's in passing or not, I really mean it. I try to ask people often, but like everyone else I get caught up in my own "stuff." Lately, I've been caught up in a lot of my own "stuff." I'm sure there are people out there that understand and some that don't. For those friends, true friends, I appreciate that you've recently contacted me to ask me how I am really doing. I especially appreciate those friends that have stood with me through thick and thin. You know who you are and I want you to know that I love you. 

I recently talked to a close friend who in the past week decided to let go of something very precious. Something that had taken a lot of time, dedication and money. This friend said something that caught my attention. "No one bothered to ask me if I was happy. No one bothered to ask me how I was really doing." The effect of this friend's decision was that many, many people became frustrated and angry about their decision. Wow. This surprised me b/c if they had just asked, they would've seen that this person wasn't really ok with the way their career was going. 

Here's my frustration today. Those people who don't ask. There are people who assume. There are people who are so cowardly that they can only hide. They hide behind their words at times. They hide behind their religion. They hide behind their unconsciousness. They hide behind their "holier than thou" attitude. They hide behind their closed minds. They hide behind their "rightness." They hide behind others. They can only make judgements. They believe they know the whole story. I am so disappointed by these people who are out there in the world. Unfortunately, I know that there will always be people like this out there. Some as neighbors, some family, some so-called friends. 

The thing about life is that no one walks in your shoes, our shoes, my shoes. They think their beliefs, ideals, and lives are perfect. I don't. My life has not been perfect. My decisions have never been perfect. My parenting skills aren't perfect. My communication skills aren't perfect. My marriage was not perfect. My career has not been perfect. My childhood wasn't perfect. My life was not perfect. Ever. I have never claimed that nor will I ever claim that. It seems, though, that through many conversations, blogs, e-mails, and in-person conversations so many people get only one side of any story. That's a shame because there are ALWAYS 3 sides to every story. One person's perspective, the other person's perspective and then what really happened. It doesn't matter how people get to a certain point in their lives. No matter where that point is we all need love, support and friendship. If you don't like a certain person or a person's decisions, fine. Move on. Don't tear them down, though, because you don't understand what it's like being in their skin. 

All I'm hoping to achieve with this blog is a level of consciousness. Don't be so wrapped up in your own "stuff" and let a friendship, a relationship, or a stranger pass you by w/out asking people how they really are doing. Ask them their side of any story. Ask them if they are happy. Ask them if they're hurting. Ask them if they need anything. Ask them if they have anything going on that might need prayer, guidance, counsel, friendship, or just love. Ask them "How are you?" and MEAN IT. 

Presents or Presence?

32 years ago on Friday, I began my journey called "life." 31 has sort of been a reality check year for me. I'm sure from previous blogs any of my readers could have called that, especially if you read through them carefully. In a perfect world, my whole life would've taken a much different path. 

But this is not a perfect world and we do not live perfect lives. We go through many emotions as we grow older: happiness, sadness, disappointment, thankfulness, discovery, anger, relief, excitement, grief, love.........the list goes on and on and usually in a different order for everyone and always more than once. 

I feel a noble responsibility to reflect on my life each year that I celebrate a birthday and so this year isn't any different. I think that with the reflection time we are able to learn the lessons we were intended to take with us on our journey and share them with those that we encounter along the way. As I see and live those lessons, I'm humbled by the love that surrounds and encompasses me no matter what is going on and no matter where I am standing. 

One lesson I've learned this past year was to be present. To just "be." To breathe. To listen to myself and not drown emotions out with the noise of the world. As I began to do this, I began to see things in a different perspective. I began to clear my mind and see the bigger picture. I began to see things change around me. 

As difficult as the past year has been, especially the past few months, I'm thankful for all that it brought me - lessons, friends, love, happiness, thankfulness and acknowledgement. I acknowledge that I'm not perfect, that life isn't perfect, and that not being perfect is OK. I know that deep within my soul now. Perfection doesn't mean happiness or fulfillment. 

So, what does this year's birthday reflect for me? Well, instead of presents, all I truly need is PRESENCE. I know I need the presence of those that love me, the presence of those that bring a positive energy into my life, the presence of being and being ok with how NOT perfect each day can be. It is with the NOT-perfectness that brings about all the lessons, love, and laughter. :) 

Here's to living 32 not perfect years . . . . . 

Life Happens

As I've always said before, I will blog in the good and blog in the bad. For the most part that is the truth. Though the months have passed and life has "happened," I've finally made it back. :) 

I have not blogged since my very last visit back home. As you may recall, I discussed the importance of taking a step back, breathing, and being grounded. Very soon after my visit, I began working on the book I've been writing for several years. As I read back through that writing today, I'm reminded of what I wrote: "I believe that when we are grounded, as we should be, God directs our steps and all that we encounter and experience are meant to be." 

In the past 4 month, I've learned a lot. I've learned a lot about life, marriage, family, friends, and myself. I've learned a lot about those people in my life that are most important to me and at the same time I've learned a lot about those people that are considered simply acquaintances. 

I find it interesting that some people do not keep in touch until something different is going on in your life. Then, as they find out that many drastic changes have been happening, they react as if they were entitled to always know what was going on or they react with confusion and wonder why you wouldn't tell them what was happening while it was happening. 

My reflection is that those really close to you have walked with you through those changes, so they never feel that anything is "drastic." Several years ago I learned an important lesson about friends. Friends do NOT leave you standing in your pain. Those that do were not your true friends. Since then, I'm very careful with whom I choose to discuss personal matters. I have been extremely blessed to have a couple of really great, true, loyal, and dedicated friends. It's taken me almost 30 years to find the kind of friendships that I only read or heard about. 

With that being said, I've also learned that it sometimes takes 30 years for a person to realize that something isn't right, to realize that giving a good try is good enough, that being complacent or unhappy isn't always the best option for everyone. I've learned that no one, NO ONE, can truly judge another because they have not walked in their shoes. 

This is the case with Paul and me. As many of you have noticed, our marriage has ended, our family has changed, our lives have taken a different path. Reactions have been vast. Some are shocked, some are not surprised at all, some are taking sides, some are hopeful, some are saddened, some feel they know what's best for us, some believe they truly know us even though they've never spent more than an hour or two with us and our girls. I do understand  that it's people's nature to be curious and ask questions. I'm ok with that. However, I will not go into detail. Those that know us, know our story, know our truth, know what lies ahead. I will not apologize to those that don't. This is a very private matter for us, especially as the girls are involved.

Know this, though, we are ok. The girls, Paul, and myself are all at a point of transition and are doing well, for the most part. We each have the love and support of families and friends and the girls have an abundance of love from so many people in our lives. There have been bumps along the way as would be expected in any situation similar to ours. However, life still goes on. In my experience, as long as we are still alive there are lessons to learn, moments to live and love to give. 

Follow the Yellow Brick Road

1300 miles

2 States

20 towns

5 great friends

1 divine connection

and....we're back! :) We've been gone for 6 days on a road trip to visit family and friends back home in W. Texas and NM. I took pictures for all you visual people out there, so be looking for those. They'll be up soon. 

I call this entry "follow the yellow brick road" because my visit back home was very healing as it always has been. I forget this every year until I actually drive into town. I love driving the long road once I get out of the fast lane of the metroplex. There is nothing like driving for miles and seeing only one car in the midst of the deep blue sky and the wide open road. I could see for miles upon end. As it is a very long drive, I spend most of my time listening to music while the girls watch movies or sleep and this year was no different. What do I listen to you ask? Well, here is a small sample of what is on my iPod playlist: 

Harry Connick, Jr

Danny Wood

Shaun Barrowes

Madonna

Blink 182

Poison

Keane

James Taylor

The Police

Regina Spektor

David Crowder Band

Blue October

Secondhand Serenade

R.E.M.

Bowling for Soup

Chris Brown

Nirvana

Tupac and Dr. Dre

Switchfoot

During my time away I experienced many divine moments that were very personal and comforting to me. I was reminded of Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz. Avery watches this movie at least once a week and has been talking about being Dorothy for Halloween for a year. She has it all planned out, and humorously asked me this week if we would paint her a yellow brick road for her to follow during trick or treating. :) 

Dorothy follows the road and continues on her search for The Wizard, so that she may return back to KS. What she doesn't realize until the very end is the power to return home is right there within her. It really is simply up to her. 

A few weeks ago, I wrote about getting grounded. I have discovered that my visit back home during this week specifically was a divine intervention. It was significant because I spent time in my hometown exactly 20 years after my brother died. Going back home was a part of my getting grounded cleanse.

I found that while I was there among the mountain tops of NM and the starry, cool sky of W. Texas I was finding my own yellow brick road. I was able to focus on the good things in life: friends, family, and nature. It sometimes takes going away from your comfort zone to re-center your soul.  I kept a continuous banter going about how unbelievable it was that people in these areas could even survive without Wi-Fi or even a computer in their home. Many didn't even know what Wi-Fi was when I asked! What?!?! You mean families can survive if they don't have a one-to-one computer scenario in their home? 

The girls enjoyed time with my parents in NM and spent many hours playing at the parks and taking full advantage of being spoiled. Tuesday afternoon, we headed back to Texas. 

The girls love playing with my close friends' kids and so they were so excited to be back in my hometown. We stopped for our usual famous snow cone from the little stand that I have been going to for almost 15 years. Avery got a dreamsicle and I had a fresh lemon squeeze, my all time favorite, that cannot be found anywhere within a 50 mile radius from my home now. 

As we stopped at the local Wal-Mart and the local convenience store and drove through town, I noticed how laid back everyone was. I made a note of a specific gentleman that stood for at least a minute to hold the door open for us. I am sure that there are far less people here that would do that. I noticed how everyone waves from their car as you pass them even though they don't know you. I noticed that scorpions were more common that I remembered. I noticed that people pull over to the side if they see you're going faster than them.  I noticed that "stickers" are something that I grew up with but something that my girls had no clue about. I noticed the hot days and cool nights. I noticed that these people really know what it means to live instead of living above their means. I noticed that I felt much closer to God when I stopped to breathe in all that surrounded me.  

We visited a former classmate of mine and his mom. While we visited Avery was going on again about how she would be Dorothy for Halloween. So, his mom sat at the piano and played "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" and "We're Off To See The Wizard." It was mesmerizing and magical to watch my girls listen to this song and sing along. It is one of my favorite moments of the year, thus far. 

Another moment will stand out in my mind, as well. I was taking the girls to the restroom at the McDonalds/convenience store, I was listening to a new favorite song "Let Him Lead" and I then began herding the girls back to the car after we checked out. As I walked out, I noticed a guy waving at me. I honestly had no idea who it was, so I did that sort of half way and kept walking. Maddie asked "Who was that?" I said "I have no idea." About that time, I heard my name being called and turned around. Who WAS this guy?! He told me his first name and I was still clueless. Then, with his last name I realized that he was the son of a close family friend. The last time I saw him was at my wedding and he was still a KID. 

I don't think our running into each other was a coincidence, but I ended up leaving without getting his number. I knew that I'd regret leaving town if I didn't try to contact him again. Ironically, he was just a few years younger than my brother, John, and shared the exact same birth day - June 8. I had memories of them playing together for hours with toy dump trucks and backhoes. 9 years after I lost my brother, he lost his dad in a car accident. We have never discussed either event since.  

So, with the simple knowledge of his work place, I sought out to get his number since it was unlisted. I called his place of employment ready to give a long story on why I deserved to have the information, but after simply asking for it, the person on the other end said "Hang on, I'll give you his cell number." In usual W. Texas fashion, everyone knows everyone and so they have no reserve giving out information. ;) 

So, after a few text messages I found myself sitting on the front porch with this friend until late at night. We discussed many things including our experiences with our brother and dad. The stories we exchanged were things that both of us had forgotten. The talk was impacting, healing and definitely meant to be. It was exactly what I needed. 

As I drove out of town the next morning, I smiled. When you give up all control and let Him lead, he directs your path in ways that you could never imagine. 

A World of Her

Her being me. What *is* going on in my world right now? For the past 2 weeks, I've had insomnia. I don't know what is at the root of my anxiety. I am so tired. More tired than you can imagine getting 3-4 hours of sleep a night. I pass my time checking e-mail, surfing the net, listening to music, chatting with new and old friends, and writing. 

I can't put my finger on the reason that I cannot close my eyes. I could give you lots of guesses, but I won't go there. Bottom line - the weeks leading up to July 26th are weird for me. Those who have suffered any type of loss may understand; others may not. It's so hard to explain and words are so limiting. As much as I love writing and the benefits of the art, it limits me so much, especially now. (right, John?) Is it a coincidence that my brother's name was John? 

Coincidences. When I was a kid I knew I would live a life of greatness. When I was in my teens I knew I would teach. Even my teachers didn't believe it was possible. When I was in my 20's I was sure someone would write a book and I would be in it. Most laughed. When I was 30 I was certain I'd meet my fav musician. Even my own husband doubted it. All of those things happened and then some. I don't believe in coincidences or random meetings. I know without a doubt that every single person that I have contact with was meant to be a part of my path at that exact moment. No accidents. I believe the exchanges are meant to be helpful for both people. 

I'm writing a book. It's been on my mind so much the past 2 weeks. I have a new idea for another chapter. I want so much for this book to help others including me, but after 3 years of trying to write here and there I wonder if the book will ever be born. 

Tonight I want to cry. Big, giant, wailing tears. I know the reason, but let fear push it all away. I'm always the one to put the big smile on. Always the one to see the positive. Never questioning, but reassuring myself and all around me that everything happens for a reason. This week I still have difficulty with that concept and my heart cries "Why" like raindrops falling from the sky furiously. 

The chapter of the book I was in was called "The Power of Letting Go." The song that is playing in my ear right now is "Let Him Lead."

I will. 

Arms and Legs

Today I'm doing all the normal steps when getting ready for a trip: doing laundry, cleaning, packing, making lists. As I do this, I work on continuing to be grounded and grateful. I realize I'm quite thankful for many things, especially the small things like arms and legs (lol!): 

1. The ability to stay home with my girls more often than not

2. Dr. Pepper Jelly Belly  jellybeans

3. Gas when it was $2.89 (I'm just thankful it's not $4.05 here YET)

4. Accidentally finding baby books, homemade cards, and first curls - so soft

5. Friends that have been there through my chubby preteen phase all the way through my mommy phase

6. Surprise messages from people who I would never guess would write 

7. My favorite hats - NOLA and Red Sox

8. The feel of running through the rain - yesterday

9. MK's Mineral Powder and MACs Lip Gloss

10. Compliments from strangers 

I've always said gratitude generates greatness and so every so often I try to practice my own advice.  

Getting Grounded

For my teen readers, this is not like when you get "grounded" for being out past curfew. :) 

By "grounded" I mean - going deep within, rediscovering the foundation of our lives, re-centering your core. 

When I recently went on my "myspace diet" many of my "friends" asked me not to be gone for too long. Though flattered that they enjoy my virtual company, I knew that I needed to disengage myself from the practice of social networking and all the noise of my life. 

In my previous post, I shared with you that July is a difficult month for me for many reasons, but mainly b/c this is the month I lost my brother. Certain things happen during this month that I am usually not aware of - 

- I push everyone away - even those closest to me

- I find more negative thoughts fill my head

- I avoid any social setting

- I become more angry 

- I distance myself from everything and everyone

All of these things I have noticed I do, but usually only after the month is over do I see how my actions have taken over. I'm willing to bet that I've done all of these things since I was 11 as a sort of coping mechanism. This year, though, I have focused much of my time reading and practicing how to be present and conscious. This is the reason that I have stopped most contact via e-mail, myspace, or facebook with everyone I know. It isn't that I don't want to see or talk to you - I just have to revert within to refocus my soul and get myself to a new level of awareness. Even after 20 years, I still deal with the "new normal." I know I'm not alone. 

Within the next week, I will continue with my plans to go to NM to visit my parents. Going to see them has always been bittersweet. We've all been through so much during our time together, but it's also comforting to know that in at least one place in the world, I'm still the "kid." Nevertheless, I have to mentally prepare myself before going for a visit b/c as with most of you I'm sure - old scars burn and past feelings arise. I know I'm leaving out a lot of details, but those that know me and my story understand. 

I'm also spending time preparing myself for the new challenges that face me in the new world of my job. The politics, the barriers, the teachers, the students, and myself. 

So for now, I'm spending a lot of time reading uplifting spiritual writings that heal my heart, watching movies with my all time favorite leading man/singer in them (Hi Harry! maybe he's reading this right now!), and listening to music that heals the soul.  Above all else, though, I'm letting my girls heal me in the way that nothing else can - with smiles, giggles and outbursts of love. 

Lately music speaks to me in ways that no one ever can. I will leave you now with another song's lyrics that explain my place in this moment: 

Breathe You In by Thousand Foot Krutch

"Taking hold, breaking in

The pressures all need to circulate

Mesmerized and taken in

Moving slow so it resonates

It's time to rest, no to sleep away

My thoughts alone try to complicate

I'll do my best, to seek you out

and be myself, not impersonate

I tried so hard no to walk away

And when things don't go my way

I'll still carry on just the same

I've always been strong, but can't make this happen

'Cause I need to breathe, I want to breathe you in

The fear of becoming, 

I'm so tired of running

I'm going in, so cover me

Your compass will help me turn the page

The laughing stock I'll never be

Because I won't let them take me

Took awhile to see all the love that's around me

Through the highs and lows there's a truth I've known

And it's you"